██ Articles ██

■■: How do you feel standing in front of the Stock Exchange?

> FG: Honestly pretty cold. I’m in the same skirt most days out of the year... Actually every day.

■■: How does it feel being a symbol?

> FG: A symbol? I’m a kid, man. I don’t know what that means. People call me weird things every day, but that’s a new one. Am I supposed to be a symbol?

■■: What do you think of the people in the financial district?

> FG: What do you mean, like the tourists? The traders? My parents? My missing parents?

■■: Do you have any advice for the day traders here?

> FG: Can I trade my expression? I’m kind of locked in here

■■: U.S. crude oil is topping 100 dollars a barrel. Is that a catalyst for this bear market?

> FG: How about I go back to the bull, and you go see a doctor. I’m a statue.

■■: Well my doctor doesn’t have stock advice >

> FG: Hello? Statue? Everyone’s looking at you right now.

■■: Do you have a message for the people of the financial district?

> FG: Yeah, I have a message, uh - Hey THIS GUYS BOTHERING ME, THIS GU

■■: Alright cut the interview

*end of audio

Norbin - President ■■■■■ was recently sighted on Planet Norbin in the Amygdala System interacting with the residents while playing golf at the Last ■■■■■. Some residents question his interactions while on the resort. A resort patron was quoted as saying, “Some of those Norbinians are only 9002 years old, and I’m not quite sure why a man that old is interacting with them.” Norbinians are not of age until 10,000 years old, despite push from democratic ■■■■■■■■ to lower it to 8 years old. (This is a developing story)

NEW YORK — Two men stormed ■■■■■ Tower on a mission to expose President ■■■■■’s most recent alleged crimes. Like so many before them, they departed shortly there - after with ■■■■■ Store merchandise and an entirely altered worldview. The men, both young liberal soy boys, made it roughly 40 feet past the entrance before quickly aban - doning the investigation to purchase "Make ■■■■■ Great Again" coffee mugs, ■■■■■-branded golf visors, and a $14 box of ■■■■■ Sweets — ■■■-■-Lago chocolates stamped with a gold "■" on every piece. "We had a plan: Enter in as the press, ex - pose a criminal underbelly, and get this criminal impeached…uh…again," said one of the men, now wearing a Trump polo with gold chocolate on his lips. "But the brand, it’s simply too strong. No wonder this guy can get away with straight-up child ■■■■■.” As of press time, the duo was injecting themselves with bleach while loudly singing “We Are Charlie ■■■■” in Central Park.